Scent of Spring Pencils now open to betareader comments.
Confessions of a Creataholic
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Not sure how well this comes across with just the pencils, but ‘Sir’ (we learn that his name is Fahdu on the next page) has grey hair -> he’s not a young guy.
Some time has passed and it is now full summer, which I’m hoping will be pretty obvious from the title, but also from changes in her garden — not all of which are quite so obvious in black and white. Most notably the greens will have deepened and matured, and, of course, there are now more flowers blooming.
It is no longer full day, as in the previous page, but the evening.
And now it is night.
His Excellency has black hair with grey streaks at the temples.
Sunset.
It is now getting late in the day.
Top: Sunset
Middle: By Moonlight
Bottom: Daybreak
The hands are seen directly, and the faces are reflections in the water.
Because this is a black and white line drawing version of something intended for full color, there is occasionally important stuff that isn’t clear without the colors there. I have tried to go through and make notes whenever I was aware of this happening.
The thing Fahdu is making for His Excellency, is a woodcarving.
I’m not sure that’s actually an important thing to know, but it’s certainly something that ought to be obvious with color, and isn’t at all obvious without.
In the last panel, she’s blushing.
I was set to complain about not knowing the age difference, but I guess that’s moot. Now I don’t know what to think, but I know I’ll be back to look at more.
It may be moot, but it does get mentioned again.
The difference was pretty extreme.
I mentioned that Fahdu had gone grey in a comment on page 2 when he first appears, but I don’t know that you ever saw it. (I know I never think to look down at the comments when I’m reading through the story.)
I’m sorry I couldn’t manage to make people’s ages clearer in this version — hopefully once I’ve added colors and shading it will be easier to tell.
I guess while I’m commenting I might as well mention that this part of the story has a soundtrack:
http://www.lshelby.com/Media/ScentofSpring.mp3
Because this is a cover, I feel it ought to reflect the best you can do. Her movement is a bit awkward. I would definately move her left (the one outstretched) foot in. Likewise, with the position she’s sitting, there’s no way her right hand would be so flat. Either move the arm in or tweak the hand so that it’s not resting flat on the well. Depends on how much work you want to do. ^_^
I think you can do a much better job on the logo. It’s a decent font but not one made to be arched.
Looks a bit like the perspective on the bottom of the well is off, compared to the top… I suggest obscuring it with grass to make it less clear where it ends.
Overall, the biggest thing I’d change on this cover is the logo, to make it more eyecatching and to really draw the eye in. Otherwise, I think when colored, the details in the background will make it quite appealing, as long as you make sure she remains the focus. The problem with the wide arched logo is not just that the font looks bad stretched like that, but that it draws the eye right off the page, and will be difficult to use in advertising banners.
This will be the first thing people see, and your logo is probably going to be on everything you use to get people to see it.
If this is going to be the final site design, I would definately kill the Comic Sans and whatever the other fancy font in the logo at the top is (I don’t know if we see the same thing there, but whatever it is on my computer, looks nice)… stick to websafe fonts in the Verdana/Arial, Times New Roman/Courier lineup. But I imagine as you’re not going to be launching for quite some time this is more of a placeholder. The color art used in the site looks really nice, though. I definately like seeing use of your actual art style in the buttons and everything else–just not the Comic Sans. ^_^ But we’ve been there already…
Otherwise… nice level of detail for a cover and it should look good colored.
He comes across as old; it’s in the way his face is shaped. Good job.
I changed my mind. The Papyrus is fine for a lettering font here. You’re right, it looks better than a conventional lettering font would. Change the way you do the speech bubbles instead. With your very natural style of art, they stand out as being higly out of place.
Uhm. This is my recommendation for lettering.
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a10/angstypen/Art/sosletters.jpg
Using this font-
http://www.font-zone.com/download.php?fid=4327
Basically: rounder, more freehanded speech bubbles instead of the hard rounded rectangles. Tails should terminate further from the heads–approximately 3/4s of the way to the mouth/head. Not touching the head. Colored speech bubbles (a very light color that’ll match the style of the comic) with a non-black border because you won’t be inking, but coloring with pencils… so I feel that using black borders wouldn’t accent your art. The color of the borders of a speech bubble should usually match the colors of the lines of your art. I’d also make the color of the text in the bubbles match the darkest colors you get in the comic… I’d suggest a dark sepia, maybe… black lines on a white bubble with black text seems out of place with the final colors you’re going to end up with.
If you’re not going to have any hard lines at all, in the end, I either recommend lineless bubbles or replacing the line borders with a layer style (assuming you have Photoshop) with an inner glow. Basically, I’d just like to see your speech bubbles look more artistic and freehanded to match the style of art. The traditional style of bubble, like this, is going to look out of place once colored… I think, similarly to your opinion that a traditional lettering font looked out of place.
And I agree. The style of art wants a non-conventional font. Stick with Papyrus if you’re happy with it.
Also consider parchment style bubbles as an option if you’re going to use the Papyrus font… pick up a free stock parchment texture and set that as a layer style. I think, if you made the text not-black, it might look really, really good. Like so, maybe.
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a10/angstypen/Art/sosparchment.jpg
Remember, speech bubbles are part of the art, not just a means for you to tell the story.
The roof in the first panel confuses me. I’m pretty sure there’s no way that physics could allow for that to exist.
I like how the tree in the second panel crosses into the first panel. Maybe unintentionally but it really pulls the eye through the panels.
There should be no comic sans anywhere on this page, and I don’t see any myself, so I’m not quite sure what to fix. 🙁
I’m sort of guessing that your computer isn’t downloading the custom fancy font I’m using for headers, and is showing comic sans *instead*. That would explain why you are seeing a lot of it.
Do you have it set as one of your defaults? I certainly didn’t list in in the css.
Clearly I need to set up my font-family declaration so that it degrades to something else. I’ll try get to that soon.
The tagline is just set to one of the default types. I see Zapf Chancery. I don’t know what you see. The entire title area is, as you assumed, a place holder. My first attempt at real logo is penciled but not yet colored. (But, hey, I finished my book!)
Hmmm. I think you need one more panel to transition this from the last page more smoothly. It seemed to be a bit of an abrupt jump.
I’d move the last speech bubble up. It’s a bit out of the way where it is, and I missed it the first time I looked at the page. I also wouldn’t break ‘I’m comfortable here/why should I leave’ into two bubbles. Consider smaller text so you cover less art–your text is more than large enough.
I love the ornamentation in the house. It really gives a feel of how things look, even in the sketch form.
His shoulder’s unnaturally low on the left side, and his hand ought to interact a bit better with the curtain. Right now it’s a very awkward hand gesture. Same with hers. Here’s a tip on hands: break them down into the same lines you (probably) break people into.
Here’s some quick redlines.
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a10/angstypen/Stuff/redline1.jpg
For hands, the best advice I can offer is to draw fingers like you’d draw the basic skeletonal structure of a person before putting clothes on them, and the thumb is a chicken drumstick. If you break the fingers into three lines every time you draw them, you can place gestures a lot easier. You’ve got the shape of the digits down, but not the fluidity of the gestures.
So far, I like the simple way you’re handling panelling and giving things a fairly cinematic approach with layout. Complicated panels can be fun but this stuff works really well for laying down the initial introductory stuff… visual, giving us a broad look at everything.
Bwhaha. Somehow I think he should be smirking a bit more on the last panel. Abuse the eyebrows! They’re a really good tool for expression.
In the first panel, his arm should block more of his body–and his chin really should come out more. I realize you’re trying to place emphasis on the woodcarving but his arms just look unnatural the way you’ve got them. Would like to see a bit of detail in the table legs to match the doors.
I love his last line. He is SO gloating.
I thought it was a really big snowglobe at first, but it’s pretty either way.
Ooo, ouch. Poor girl. That there says a lot about your setting in very few lines. Excellent use of showing instead of telling. You’ve subtly said a lot about your setting without saying a WORD about it over the last few pages and it makes for quite an easy transition into the story, at least, so far.
Very visual, good use of panelling. I notice you’re leaning towards two/three panels per page. I definately suggest a faster update schedule once you make it live, if you can. You’ll lose people’s attention if they have to wait a week between updates.
I have no idea what she’s doing with whatever it is she’s holding.
Perspective’s a pain in the butt, but I’m pretty sure you’re bringing the back of the balcony up too high and the well over there looks a bit like it’s falling towards the camera. Sorry, I can’t really help you with perspective more than just saying if it looks a bit off.
So far, I really like the amount of detail in each panel, it makes for a nice visual experience even in the pencils.
Ohh, gardening, I see.
When speechbubbles show and you can’t see who’s talking, either put tails gesturing to where they are or take a < shaped chunk out of them.
Her neck's far too big in the second panel. Push the lines for her neck in on both sides, so it doesn't look like her chin's falling into her neck. I definately suggest overall as you color that you thicken the upper eyelid more, right now she doesn't really look like she has eyelashes.
Adding a few strands of hair falling onto her forehead would probably humanize her a bit more, since she's been working in the garden and her hair's still staying all neatly tucked. She seems a bit like she's gazing off into space. I'd direct her gaze a bit up, so she's looking at him.
"Well, don't land on my seedlings." wants a comma, I think. I find it a bit awkward of a line, though at least it clarifies what she's doing.
The transition from the others talking to her worked well.
In the first panel, she’s closer to the camera, yet still much smaller than he is. Her gesture in the last panel is really good, and the motion of her hair and dress really adds to the sense of movement.
The little o mouth doesn’t go with the word ‘but’ though. I suggest a wider upside down bow D: type mouth.
Period after the end of “four bags at a time.”
I love the angle of the last panel, and the way she’s oh so politely handling this… but her eyes are really off. If you tilt the one closest to the camera down a bit more it’ll look right. I’d also add her nostrils, just because by that angle, we should be able to see them.
His left eye should also be higher.
Hammer in hammer hurling could be on the previous line, to even out the shape of the bubble. Punctuation at the end of a word in a speech bubble–even if it’s continuing to the next sentence.
Hammer Hurling made me laugh. What a sport!
He’s such a showoff.
Did I mention how much I love your navigation buttons. Especially the mouseover. <3 I just keep playing with them. So fun. I really love the mouseover. I want to do that to my buttons now… heh.
“See you, sir.”
I love the little writing desk.
Lessee. I would move ‘heard rumors’ underneath the preceeding speech bubble–though I would still seperate them. Sango’s chin is collapsing into his face, and his nose is impossibly pinched. In the second panel, his neck is too big–push the line for his neck back.
I’d seperate ‘your daughter… what will…’ and either… well, if you want the second panel to be silent, keep those bubbles in the first panel. If not, point them to Faduh in the second panel. If you want them contained to the first panel, then put them there. If not, seperate them from the first bit and point that tail to him in the second panel.
The second panel is wonderful. Expressive completely. For the third panel, I highly suggest you find a reference picture for the angle you’re trying to draw Sango at. It looks inconsistant with the drawing of him in the second panel and overall, it’s just wonky.
About the last page–I do suggest you leave the last panel silent to build into this one, and keep the speech bubbles out of it.
This page, though… hm. It’s just not working right as it is. The second panel’s excellent, but what it needs is a panel of him reaching to produce the money from his pocket before you see him holding it. It would do better than the closeup first, and save the closeup to reveal what it is in the third panel.
Sango’s face in the first panel is quite messed up. If you do any further traditional art projects I highly suggest you take the time to draw a turnaround of all your characters so that you know how their faces work at all angles and these sort of inconsistancies are flushed out.
I like Fahdu. But poor Liang!
Great use of angle in the third panel. This page works quite well.
Hmm. I’ll just give you some redlines for this page. http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a10/angstypen/Stuff/redline2.jpg
Be careful with putting lines in a woman’s face to indicate things like a smile… it ages them 10 years–I’m not sure how old she’s intended to be, though.
I love her face in the last panel. Her hands turned out well too. You could add her pinky finger on the right hand.
Reminder: any speech bubbles that are not connected to a person need a < shape cut out of them or a tail connecting them to where the speaker would be.
Try fix Liang's face in the first panel… the chin's weird again. Maybe make her mouth a bit wider too. She looks like she's pouting.
Prali’s mouth is coming too far forward. Third panel is good–but what happened to Liang’s ear? Keep her hairstyle consistant. On the forth panel I feel that her hair ought to hide more of her face. Since Prali is talking her mouth ought to be open instead of smirking like that.
He looks a bit too devious in the first panel. It would help if you hid some of his eyes so they looked a bit less like slits–at that angle his eyebrows and eyelids would hide some of the angling. Same deal with her left eye in the second panel… just erase the tip a bit. I’d add nostrils on that panel too, due to the angle. I offer a suggestion for the whole comic and your approach on women’s noses–add one little line to indicate the round part before it transitions into the bridge, to seperate their nose from the bridge. It’ll make them look a bit more feminine.
The combs are gorgeous. You approach objects with a wonderful sense of detail.
When people smile, their mouths do not make a u. At best, the top lip will be straight, but never in a u shape. The best way to approach mouths is to think of a bow. With the tilt of her head in the first panel I’d recommend adding a couple strands of fallen hair. Make her right eye wider to match the left eye.
I highly recommend you study a few pictures of people at a 3/4s angle, since that’s really where I’m seeing your eye placement mess up.
Eyes go in the middle of the head. You have way too much hair on Liang in the first panel. You could cut it down about halfway… pretty fast fix there… just measure from her chin to her eyes and that’s the height you need to reshape her hair to. Her ears need to be lower. Ears go between the eyes and the nose.
Storywise, aww, that’s so sweet! I don’t care that he’s an old guy, I like him! I’m not sure if I’m supposed to, but screw the showoff hammer tossing guy–I like this one!
Just letting you know, so that you can decide whether or not that’s the impression you want people to have of him so far. He’s so cute.
Third panel… she needs an extra line in her neck to make it look less wide.
She knows he carves for the prince? I had the impression that wasn’t necessarily common knowledge with the introduction at the start. You could just cut it down to “But you could’ve sold these to a great lady.” since we already know he carves for the prince, unless you figure it’s important she knows it and says it.
I know what’s bugging me about your lips now. You don’t add a line underneath them to indicate a lower lip on the women. You should, especially for women. It’s not so important for men that you draw lips but it’s one of the things that emphasises femininity for women in comics, especially when they’re wearing such heavily covering clothing.
Add a tail to the last bubble. He’s still on the panel and you can easily point it at him. His smile’s kind of weird but her face looks good in this one.
Nice inset panel. Good use of the medium to indicate a transition of time too.
The second panel loses a bit of expression for the lack of a lower lip, I think… you could probably push her expressiveness further there, even with the body movement–which is good.
Excellent page. If anything, I’d just push the tail in the final bubble so it comes out of the middle of that bubble instead. Of course, my initial suggestions of changing the bubble style still stand.
His face looks FAR too much like a Lego man head there. Even if he has a square jaw, it’s not going to look quite that blocky. Bring his chin down more. I feel like she ought to be looking at him with her whole face, instead of just her eyes.
I knew I never liked him. Jerk. I don’t understand where the first bubble is coming from. I mean, I know who’s saying it. But I feel like it ought to either have a tail or, if it was meant to be said in the second or third panel, that it ought to be in one of those panels, so it’s more clear that it’s interrupting.
The first two panels work quiet well.
The second speech bubble needs more direction. I’d put it underneath him and add a tail to point at her in the third panel.
In the third panel, her nose bridge comes out too much and too high. Trim it down so the bridge vanishes about where her lower eyelashes are.
Also, I approve of this. IT’S SO CUTE!
AWW!
And I see you’ve changed your mouth style. I can’t really explain what’s off with it… just that it’s unnatural… so more red lines! Also to show a couple more things that were off with this page, I felt.
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a10/angstypen/Stuff/redline3.jpg
I feel with your style you shouldn’t emphasise the upper lip quite so much.
On the second panel, you’re looking at her from slightly above, so that should change the shape of her nose. I’d move the tail on the second speech bubble to the top part of that bubble instead of connecting it to her face so much. Again the mouths on this one… hers in the second panel should be closer to her nose due to the angle, and the shape is funny on the fourth panel. She looks pouty in the first panel and I’m not sure that’s what you wanted.
Instead of joining the two speech bubbles in the third panel, give them each their own tail.
Fahdu’s robe thingy looks a bit unnaturally stiff in the third panel too. You might want to add a few lines to give it more movement so it looks less cardboard. Also, I have no idea what he’s reaching for but it doesn’t look right. Maybe re-draw so that it’s just at his side…
I love how he’s all worried about her. It’s so cute. Some people might find it creepy but I think it’s adorable.
I APPROVE OF THIS. It’s so cute! Love the necklace. I want one.
Though I recommend an exclamation point or two. She certainly looks like she could use one in the second panel.
I’d try polish the art in the last panel a bit more. This is probably an important moment and it might as well look as good as you can make it look.
Nice clothes! Love the dress.
I don’t understand where exactly the coughs are coming from. Consider adding them into speech bubbles if certain characters are talking with *cough* or something. Try make it clear who’s talking and where.
The wording also implies that his father isn’t sick… you might be able to fix it with an emdash instead of an ellipsis, or something. I don’t know, I just found the dialogue a bit unclear in this page.
(everyone cries)
But that doesn’t change the fact that her head’s weird in the third panel. Ears lower, for one thing. Also, you showed her hair over her shoulder in the first panel. I’d keep it there. It adds to the upsetness of this.
Though, I’d approach it as a two panel page and just show the top of her head, looking down at him.