Scent of Spring Pencils now open to betareader comments.
Confessions of a Creataholic
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Her profile could use a bit of work in the last panel… primarily the eye. Eyes in profile look something like this. (>
Also… ouch. It took me a couple readthroughs to pick up on ‘her father is also dead’, but seriously, OUCH.
Yeah, jee. I DON’T BLAME HER FOR STANDING THERE AND LOOKING STUNNED. The last panel is probably the best 3/4s view you’ve done so far. She’s just… ouch. Good work on that expression.
Neck is too large in the second panel. Push it in, and bring the jawline out. His expression seems to have no real direction. The last panel is excellent.
Needs the > marks cut out of the speech bubbles, but excellent transition, and if anyone had missed that her father died too, they’ll pick it up here.
OUCH.
I hate to be nitpicky when I’m busy feeling the angst, but the leaves are blowing the opposite direction her hair is.
Unlike the previous chapters this one has an actual ‘cover’ instead of just text on something happening. Hm. A bit inconsistant. I like it though.
I thought the kid died the first time I saw this page, until I advanced to the next. Careful. I’d maybe have her sitting instead of walking away, because my first thought was ‘she’s walking away from the kid’s grave’.
I laughed. Great dialogue. Though the last speech bubble needs a tail.
I’d give her a couple stray strands of loose hair there.
The interlude was a great way to show the passing of time, by the way. I really enjoyed it and it worked well to cut to new characters after that.
I love how she looks in the last panel.
Though I fail to understand–how could she not know it was the prince. Isn’t he a public figure?
Her neck’s much too wide. She’s supposed to look delicate here, I imagine, so make it narrower in the first and last panel, instead of rivaling his. ^_^ What was the ‘ooh’ for? I interpeted it as frustated. Maybe that’s not what you want?
Mouth in the second panel’s weird; I already drew lines on an earlier page to show you what you could do to fix that.
And it’s nice to see the return of that carving!
Give the last speech bubble a tail.
Interesting turn of events.
Man, he looks so evil in the last panel. Intentional?
Again with the mouths. I’ve already told you what to do. Since this is the end of a scene and probably an important bit, definately focus on making it good quality, especially as it’s quite a plot turn.
I kind of like the prince now. I didn’t like him at first but he’s growing on me. He seems to have a sense of humor.
She’s supposed to be flustered/embarrassed.
The theory was that when it’s in color, she’d be red-faced. I’ve been trying to indicate those spots, but I missed this one. Sorry.
The layout here bugs me slightly in that it’s sort of a round-table conversation, but the players all appear in different poses and zooms, and not at all facing each other.
I also think it’s slightly odd that Liang is opposing his gift while sticking them in her hair. It makes her seem less humble and actually admitting that she is much more deserving than the city folk.
I feel like this should be redone in to make Fahdu put the combs in her hair, symbolizing that he believes her to be deserving of them.
I would like to see something similar to the designs around the page outlining the cover image. I really like that Liang is on the cover, since the first few pages focus on Fahdu.
I wonder if she would look better in a more “lady-like” pose. Have her knees together and maybe a little more reserved. I know as far as the story goes, at the beginning she is very content and happy in her garden, but since the cover reflects the entire novel, if she was looking off to the side, eyes closed, hair blowing past her face, wearing the combs Fahdu gives her. Maybe include some hidden foreshadowing, like a row of potted flowers, but two of them are empty…
I think she could stand to take up a little more of the cover as well.
“Some men could use to have their backsides tanned” is a little awkward to me… possible rephrasing?
I think it would be cool to divide this page up. A bunch of close up shots moving down his body, his words intercut with the sounds of his lungs sputtering, until we reach the final panel, and that’s the last time we see his face, coupled with the thematic statement.
Michelle,
I was unsure how to approach “Spring,” so had to quit and give it some thought. Overall, I enjoyed it, but it didn’t sweep me away. I think my problem was with the protag – she didn’t move the story, it moved around her. There was supposed to be something so magical about her that at least two very successful and powerful men fell completely in love, yet I didn’t get that sense.
I think the Garden might have been a key character in this story, how she transformed the garden spaces into magical arenas. But that transformation, and any kind of comparison to lesser gardens just isn’t in the story, either pictorially, or through narrative.
At any rate, I didn’t sense a problem/conflict that she resolved at all. Mostly she was a warm fuzzy object, in my mind, and I needed her to feel much more affected by the environment, and take a more active role in controlling it, in order to get past the sensation that she was just an object of adoration.
I’m sure you’ve read “Secrets of Jin-shei.” Those women, even the most passive, found ways to change their worlds. By that I don’t mean create a societal shift, but that they were very positive forces within their own lives. You write good story, and your drawings are lovely to look at. I’d prefer it if your heroine, rather than the effect she has on others, were the focus of “Scent of Spring.”
I like having the last speech bubble low – it makes my eyes find it after her speech. If it were higher I would very likely read the exchange in the wrong order. (it happens to me fairly frequently in graphic novel/comic stuff.) The two bubbles for the “I’m comfortable” bit cause me to read a beat, or a pause into the sequence.
FWIW.
I have also noted the ornamented room and like it.
But her eyes are sufficiently wide and appalled.
I’ve always seen/heard it as “some [noun] could stand to have… etc.” Which sounds smoother to me, but maybe just because I’m used to it.
I’ve figured out what bugs me about Liang’s eyes – no pupils, iris just outlined – comes across too pale.
(No, I didn’t mention the problem before now.)
I’m not a big graphic novel reader so I’m mostly not going to comment on graphic stuff.
sniffle.
She looks so alone, and the garden so bare.
Are those the combs Fahdu gave her along with his proposal?
Link in ToC broken for Chapter 7. It goes to Chapter 6. I tried to flip back to check this sequence as I found out what she replied.
Upset, I think.
Are we supposed to see her in the background? ‘Cause I don’t.
I guess Fahdu never mentioned watching her from his balcony? (to her, that is.)
And here I was wondering if the proposal hadn’t been planned, but was just sort of blurted out.
Ok, I know you’ve established he’s on a well known hunt for a bride, but it just struck me, as I read that panel that he wasn’t prepared to just come out with it like that. It was too rough for a prince who presumably has lots of training in self-presentation.
“we princes…” snicker.
All right, I’m back! Check perspective on panel two–her shoulders are shown from above but not her head… hands are far too small when she holds up the dress and should probably be holding it from the side, not above like that–that’d be an uncomfortable angle.
Panel three–her neck’s too large. I’ve mentioned the wonky 3/4s angles before. This one, her eyes are good, but her ears are too high and her nose and mouth are oddly shaped for the angle.
Speech bubbles follow through nicely–this is a well panelled page for storytelling purposes.
Panel one’s wonky–her head’s too tall and the other one’s head’s too skinny. The chin shouldn’t be coming out like that, even broken by a gutter. I also find the progression a bit unnatural. I might suggest a redo. She goes too quickly from straight faced to crying and I think it wants a panel in between to have her maybe turn away and start crying, to show a transition between straight-faced and suddenly upset. On the same token, I feel that her asking “What did I say?” ought to be in another panel, to break it up and allow for a slower moment to pass. Overall, I feel this moment just passes too fast for what it ought to be telling the readers.
The drawing of the kid on the toy is just great, though.
What I think I’d like to see is the bottom panel made into a full page, and the top two panels redrawn as a new page to better show the conversation and slow down the moment a bit. As it stands, it feels a bit too fast right now.
She looks great in her new dress. Her hands are a bit weird, though (a bit too small again, I think), And I feel that tilting her head like that, her necklace ought to slide over a bit.
Dosatira looks… like she’s staring into space. The problem is that it’s like she’s talking to the readers and suddenly very jolting. I’d redraw her to be facing the cast, and change her dialogue from “I’m supposed to introduce you to everyone” to something more… formal. She comes across as very talkative here.
General Xing looks kind of like a stoned robot, and Lord Panfu’s face is falling off. I love the variety of their costumes, though.
I’d change the first line to “How could I not enjoy her company?” When emphasizing text in comic lettering, bold and italicize it, not just bold or italicize. Love the painting in the background. Her face seems a bit oddly stretched in the last panel. And since it’s a closeup I’d like to see more detail in her hair, definately.
Top panel: his mouth is too far to the left and her left eye is too far to the left. My goodness, what detail in the bottom panel! Looks good.
Her chin is too raised and too high in the second panel. If she’s raising her head, you’re not going to see so much neck, and you’ll see how the neck joins to the chin. Like say, the face in the bottom left here. http://www.howtodrawguide.com/wp-content/uploads/image/how-to-draw-anime/anime-faces/anime-face-expressions.jpg
Second panel–her head is going too far back. Which is a shame because I think the body is beautiful. It’s a great, perfect sketch. I’d just redo the face/head angle. You can get it from nearly behind and get away with mostly just doing hair and the back of her ear if you wanted. But then it would seem as if she’s not looking at him. So maybe shift it to a profile, or nearly a profile image.
Her hair’s great in the second panel, but you have to bring her face up. Eyes in the middle.
In the last panel, he looks great but I’m not sure what’s up with her. I’m not sure if that’s the front of her chest we’re seeing, where her other hand went, and how that hand gesture fits in. It’s not a very natural position at all.
This is a case of weird comic typography. Consistancy on your text emphasis would be nice–either bold, or italics, or bold/italics throughout the whole comic. No need for using one or the other, it doesn’t change the sound and just seems a bit confusing.
Her eyelashes are weird. Eyelashes aren’t one whole like that, draw them as seperate lashes breaking away from a darker line rather than grass.
No “!?!” Just “?!” if you want to add the exclamation point and the question mark. Or “!?”. Whatever suits you best. But not three of them.
Man, just as it was getting interesting too!
With the no exclamation bubble, you want to still have some direction with the spikes… you still want one pointing at her, instead of just spikes. It’s also a generally good idea to alternate between longer and shorter spikes for a starburst bubble.
Last bubble needs an arrow.
And yeah… two year olds… formal dinners… well, it would be a comedic scene. But maybe not what you would’ve wanted to draw. XD
Arrow on the second bubble.
The last panel makes your prince seem a bit too evil. You may wish to rethink those eyes. XD
I may have mentioned I once wrote a story with a royal figure and a peasant. Different approach altogether, but same thing: the prince-like figure falls in love with the peasant because of her behavior. Same fear. I find it a very natural fear and realistic in a character.
But the speech bubbles still need arrows.
Her profile in the second panel is great and one you should look at for reference for other profile shots. The last panel, though, is a bit of a strange angle. Find a reference and smooth out her face.
His face needs some work in the side panel.
I love, however, how you have the progression of this page and the panelling. Very nice transition, very effective storytelling.
I’d connect the bubbles. Also, lol.